I'm trying to bring myself up. I need to stop wallowing in self pity.

Please send me good vibes. I wanna just live my days. I'm almost about to bring myself out of my depression. I'm sick of having to use weed to bring down my anxiety and Ambien to make me sleep because I'm 33 years old and I haven't been able to sleep without any sedative. Like Ambien or weed.

I don't wanna die. I just wanna go away. I wanna go to Canada.Buy a small house in a small neighbor. Get a job and just work there and get my name legally changed. I don't want to be something that will slow down my family and friends I love and care for so much. They are all better off without me.

I'd start a new life to just work come home, play video games, feed cat, go to sleep. Repeat until I die. I don't want to be a dead weight on anyone that knows me. Those who were kind enough to do things to me like @setaseta_suzume who has show me more kindness than I even deserve. She is so sweet enough to put up with my psychotic angry attitude. Her life would have been better if I were never around.

The world's rules have played against my favor. All I can do now is just hope I die alone. Forgotten.


I don't want to kill myself because I feel it's reserved for people with no last resorts. I don't even get a first resort. Shit just happens to me against my will every waking moment of my life. I'm tossed into this life and all the crap that goes with it without even knowing what I was in for or if I even had a choice to go on this lifetime ride of good memories and betrayls. I don't even get the break of sleep that grants me a slight break from this world where no true happiness is possible.

I just want to wait for my time to die. Maybe God will be merciful and just not send me to heaven or hell but to receive the blessed gift of having my existence erased. I become nothing. No pain. No noise, no contradictions. I'll just be gone. And once my new name, Joseph Josetar is dead, then and only then can Joel Holmes- born in 1985. Will only be a memory. No grave, no tomb. Just a memory. One that will most likely be gone after several decades. I will no longer exist. The world can finally continue on with no trace of my existence in memory or remains. I'll go back to my state of my peaceful non existence from before I was consceved. Peace at last..
I can hardly wait

Im sorry if I scared anyone. Its just that my grip on reality is starting to loosen. The way rules and things work make no sense. Like I went to see my lawyer with my grandma about my SSI. I had a meeting with a redetermination worker. She told me to go to the meeting and she would be there to help me answer any questions I don't understand.

I go there for the meeting with the redetermination guy. Sat I the waiting room waiting to see the lawyer. The man called me back in and I said my lawyer is coming to help me answer questions I don't understand. He hen says she's not allowed to be here. And I said she told me she'd be here, but he insisted she had no right to be there.

I go in answer his fucking questions flaunting his fancy desk and office asking me questions like " can you cook meals for yourself" "can you clean up after yourself" etc. Half hour later I leave.

I call my lawyer and asked why she wasn't there. She said "No I couldn't go with you even if I wanted to." So now I'm freaking out not knowing what I heard. So I called my grandma who was in the room when she told us her plan for my meeting. I asked her, did she say to me she would be there? Did you hear that as I did? She said yes she did.

What the fuck is going on. My life means of feeding myself and Rika could be cut. I need the SSI because the government wants to keep me unemployed. I don't fuxig care if you think that's wrong. I tried my damned hardest to get jobs since high school. Ever since I found out about how the government is secretly spying on us they made it so every employer that seea my job application does not even call me for an interview. They want me to be unemployed and miserable. They send people to say thinga that make what should make sense month make sense

Nothing makes sense anymore. They tell m to just let it go but when I was a fucking child I'd like to people to get attention or get what I wanted. I got punished for it. I grew up slowly and as an adult I realized why lying is bad and all the punishment was justified. But now people are lying to my fucking face and my grandma and mom tell me to just "let it go and don't sorry about it.* The two people who punished me for lying. My grandma who punished me when I lied about what I said at a school to a teacher. My mother who spanked me with a wooden paddle whenever I lied about doing my homework. Those two people who drilled it onto my brain and body that lying has consequences are just telling me to "let it go" to my lawyer blatantly lying to me an my grandma.


You know... If my mortal compass weren't so good and I truly valued human life I'd go out there and kill people. You are lucky I have a good enough sense of morality to know that murder is horrible, my old friend from Burton would have his windpipe strangled with a thick cable till his windpipe is crushed like a paper cup. You tossed my Rika into my room and hurt her and attemptted to get her ran away. He then threatenwd to shoot me with his gun and mooched my car off me. You deserve it.

Like I said. You are all so fucking lucky I genuinely value life and think people deserve a change. You better hope my faith in humanity stays at that level. Otherwise I'm gonna send your asses to hell, kill myself, meet you on hell and cause you so much pain and torment for all time


Like I said. You guys are lucky Im not a psychopath

I've been awake for so long I forgot what sleep and dreams feel like. I'm becoming numb on the inside now. Could a heart attack kill me but I don't know why because I can't feel it having a numbed heart.

My outside however isn't numb. All five senses cause my nervous system to scream in agony. Going outside is too bright, even with sunglasses my eyes and skin burn. If I bump my arm into a door knob it feels like I shattered an elbow. The noises outside are too loud with and uncontrollable constantly. Food normally found tastey by regular humans like mayo and American cheese are thinks that make me puke from the taste and smell alone.

Why can't I just be a normal man who's body has to live to all these rules that are counterproductive.

Somebody fix me please. God made me but he made me have all these malfucntions in various parts of the instead of a normal body with a brain that isn't terrified of the future.

Why did God make me poorly fucntion in both body and brain.

Somebody fix my brain. Somebody cut out the part of my brain that is responsible for keeping the body from falling asleep. I just want


I just want to sleep
Sleep
I WANT TO SLEEP
I LAY DOWN
I GET COMFORTABLE
I TURN MY FANS ON TO KEEP MY CONSTANTLY RISING BODY TEMPERATURE FROM SUFFERING HEAT STROKE
I CLOSE MY EYSS
I LIE THERE




I LIE THERW


EYSS STILL CLOSED. JUST NOT ASLEEP


STAY IN A LAYING POSITION WITH EYES CLOSED IS ALL I CAN DO!


@seta_suzume What must I do to achieve the only break from this horrible reality? Even for a few moments? I just wanna sleep!

How do I sleep? Please somebody tell me how? I forgot how to sleep

I don't wanna be angry anymore.

I just wanna be happy.

Why can't I be happy anymore?

The universe is nothing but contradictions and lies.

The rules of life don't make sense.

Death is the only peace we get.

Everything hurts

When is this nightmare gonna end?

Anyone who tells you that you are paranoid and that people aren't out to get you is probably trying to get you to want to get something from you.

I learned from the past four or so years that no matter who you are, no mater what you do, no matter how much bad you try to avoid in your fucking life, someone, somewhere, wants to get at you in some way, directly or indirectly. Whether you know it or they know it, they are out to get you. If you think you are innocent and that nobody would want to let harm come to you, you probably are in somebody's cross hairs. They want to take advantage of you just to get something out of you that they want and then let you blow away to the winds the instant you are no longer useful to them, or somebody wants you dead because you did something they don't like or because you stand for something they don't like.

I'm telling you this as somebody who has people watching me and hassling me even though I only interact with the outside world for the sake of doing the things I need to survive. I get people watching my internet access and phone calls from outside my home. I get people sabatoging my car because I don't like the pedophile who got elected president, and now I got people sabatoging my friendships via counterfeit money.

If I snap I'm taking some of them with me. I know where some of them are. I know one of you lives in Burton Place and a few of you live in downtown Flint. If I have to be a monster just so I can get some sleep I'll make sure every pulse that wasted it's time fucking with me comes to permanent end.

Thank you for the card Suzumi. I got it awhile back but I was so busy I forgot to say anything. Thank you